When You Love Your Life but Still Feel Overwhelmed

I love my life.

And sometimes, I am completely overwhelmed by it.

For a long time, those two things felt like they couldn’t exist together. Like if I admitted I was exhausted, overstimulated, frustrated, or desperate for a break, it somehow meant I wasn’t grateful for the life I have.

But motherhood has been teaching me that two things can be true at the same time.

I can love my children more than anything in this world and still not want to hear “Mom” one more time that day.

I can be thankful that I get to stay home with them and still crave time outside of this house.

I can love being a wife and a mom and still miss the version of myself who didn’t have to plan her entire day around naps, appointments, meals, laundry, therapy, bedtime, and everybody else’s needs.

And lately, I’ve been feeling all of it.

The Kind of Tired Sleep Doesn’t Fix

There’s regular tired, and then there’s mom tired.

The kind where you can technically sit down, but your brain is still running through a list.

Did everybody eat?

Do we have enough milk?

What appointments are coming up?

Did I respond to that message?

When was the last time I washed bottles?

What are we having for dinner?

Why is it suddenly so quiet?

And somehow, even when nothing is actively happening, I still feel like I’m “on.”

That’s probably the part I struggle with the most.

I don’t necessarily need some extravagant vacation or an entire weekend away. Sometimes I just want a few hours where I don’t have to anticipate what someone else is going to need from me.

No one calling my name.

No one crying.

No one asking where something is.

No little hands reaching for me while I’m trying to do something.

Just… silence.

But Then Comes the Guilt

The funny thing is, the second I get away, another feeling shows up.

Guilt.

Because why am I so desperate to leave the house when I have three babies at home?

Why am I sitting in my car enjoying the quiet?

Why am I irritated when someone interrupts the little bit of time I have to myself?

Shouldn’t I just be grateful?

That word — grateful — can really mess with you sometimes.

Of course I’m grateful.

But gratitude does not cancel out exhaustion.

Loving your children doesn’t mean motherhood never feels heavy.

Having a good life doesn’t mean every day feels good.

And needing space from people you love does not mean you love them any less.

That’s something I’m still learning.

I Miss Being Alayna Sometimes

This might be one of the hardest things for me to admit.

Sometimes I miss myself.

Not because I think motherhood took everything from me. My children have given me parts of myself I never knew existed.

But there are days when I realize how much of my identity revolves around what I am to somebody else.

Mom.

Wife.

The person scheduling appointments.

The person remembering what everybody needs.

The person making sure the house keeps moving.

And somewhere underneath all of that is still me.

The girl who likes creating things.

The girl who wants to build something of her own.

The girl who wants to play a game without being interrupted 16 times.

The girl who wants to sit in the car and listen to music way too loud.

The girl who occasionally wants to do absolutely nothing without feeling like she should be doing something.

I’m still trying to figure out how to make room for her too.

Maybe I Don’t Need to Choose

I think that’s where I’m at right now.

Trying to stop treating motherhood and being myself like they’re competing against each other.

I don’t have to choose between being a good mom and needing time alone.

I don’t have to choose between loving my family and admitting that caring for everyone can be exhausting.

And I definitely don’t have to wait until I’m completely burnt out before I’m “allowed” to take a break.

Maybe taking care of myself doesn’t have to be some huge life-changing thing.

Maybe sometimes it looks like getting out of the house for a couple of hours.

Maybe it’s sitting in the car a little longer before going inside.

Maybe it’s playing a game after the kids finally fall asleep.

Maybe it’s working on something that belongs to me.

Maybe it’s choosing not to turn every free moment into another opportunity to be productive.

I’m still working on that last one.

If You Feel This Too

If you’ve ever looked around at a life you prayed for and thought, why am I still overwhelmed? — I get it.

You can be happy and tired.

Grateful and frustrated.

Fulfilled and overstimulated.

Completely in love with your family and still desperately in need of some time to yourself.

None of those feelings erase the others.

Motherhood is beautiful.

It is also loud, repetitive, messy, exhausting, hilarious, emotional, and sometimes completely overwhelming.

And maybe instead of feeling guilty about admitting that, we should talk about it more.

Because I have a feeling a lot of us are loving our lives…

and still trying to catch our breath.