I’m Trying to Enjoy the Present Without Dreading What’s Next

Lately, I’ve been realizing how hard it is to stay present when I already know a huge change is coming.

Right now, life is already busy. We have appointments, therapy, kids who need me constantly, everyday responsibilities, and a move coming up. There’s already a lot to think about.

But underneath all of that is something I keep trying not to think about too much.

Next year, my husband is going to be gone for a year.

And I think it’s finally starting to hit me.

It Feels Far Away… Until It Doesn’t

For a while, it was easy to treat it like something that was happening “later.”

Next year sounded far enough away that I didn’t really have to sit with it yet.

But time moves ridiculously fast.

Especially when you have kids.

One minute I’m thinking we still have plenty of time, and the next I’m realizing we’re already preparing for a move and getting closer and closer to another huge change for our family.

I catch myself thinking ahead.

What is life going to look like when he’s gone?

How are the kids going to handle it?

How am I going to handle everything by myself?

What happens when I’ve had a terrible day and the person I normally want there isn’t there?

And once my brain starts going down that road, it’s hard to pull it back.

I Don’t Want to Spend Our Time Together Being Sad About Losing It

That’s the part I’m struggling with.

I know what’s coming, but I don’t want knowing what’s coming to ruin the time we still have.

I don’t want every family moment to have this invisible countdown attached to it.

I don’t want to sit beside my husband thinking, Soon I’m going to miss this.

I want to actually enjoy it.

The random conversations.

Him being home.

The kids being able to go find Dad.

Us going somewhere together as a family.

Even the regular, boring stuff that doesn’t seem special until you imagine not having it for a while.

But sometimes my brain jumps ahead before I can stop it.

Instead of enjoying the moment, I start grieving something that hasn’t even happened yet.

There’s So Much Change Happening at Once

We’re also getting ready to move soon, which makes everything feel even bigger.

Moving with little kids is already a lot.

There are things to plan, things to pack, appointments to think about, routines that will change, and a million tiny decisions that somehow all need to be made.

And while I’m trying to prepare for one transition, I know another one is waiting right behind it.

Sometimes it feels like I’m trying to mentally prepare myself for everything at once.

The move.

A new home.

New routines.

My husband leaving.

Parenting through that year.

Trying to keep things as normal as possible for the kids.

And somewhere in there, I’m supposed to remember to enjoy right now.

I Think I’m Learning That Preparing and Worrying Aren’t the Same Thing

I’m definitely a planner.

If something big is coming, my brain wants to figure it out immediately.

I want to know what I’m going to do, how I’m going to handle it, what the backup plan is, and what the backup plan for the backup plan is.

It makes me feel like I’m doing something.

Like maybe if I think about every possible scenario now, I’ll be less overwhelmed later.

But I’m starting to realize there’s only so much preparing I can do.

I can make plans.

I can organize things.

I can build routines and support systems.

But I can’t live next year before it gets here.

And worrying about it every day isn’t going to make that year easier.

It’ll just take away from the time we have now.

So I’m Trying to Stay Here

I don’t think this is going to be something I magically master.

There are probably going to be days when I think about him leaving and get sad.

There are going to be moments when the reality of doing life without him physically here for a year scares me.

And I’m letting myself have those feelings.

I just don’t want to live inside them yet.

Right now, he’s here.

Right now, we’re together.

Right now, there are memories we can still make before everything changes again.

So I’m trying to stay here.

Not next year.

Not six months from now.

Not even next month.

Here.

Because the future is coming whether I worry about it or not.

And I don’t want to look back and realize I spent so much time preparing to miss this life that I forgot to enjoy it while I had it.