When “Autism” Entered the Conversation: Learning to Understand My Two-Year-Old

There are certain words you hear as a parent that make everything around you go quiet for a second.

For me, recently, one of those words was autism.

My two-year-old son, Koa, has been in developmental therapy, and now we're adding speech therapy too. We've known for a while that his speech isn't where we expected it to be at his age. He doesn't have a lot of words yet, and communicating what he wants or needs can sometimes be difficult.

But he's been making progress.

And as his mom, I notice every little bit of it.

Things that probably wouldn't seem like a big deal to someone else can feel HUGE to me. A new sound. A new way of communicating. Something he understands that he didn't before. A little moment where I can see that everything we've been working on is clicking.

That's one of the things therapy has taught me: progress doesn't always look the way you imagined it would.

Sometimes it's really, really small. And you celebrate it anyway.

Then His Speech Therapist Mentioned Autism

When Koa started speech therapy, his therapist mentioned noticing some tendencies that can sometimes be associated with autism, including stimming.

And I'm not going to pretend hearing that didn't affect me.

It did.

Not because there is anything wrong with being autistic. And not because an autism diagnosis would somehow change who my son is.

He's still Koa.

He's still the same little boy I knew before that conversation, and he would be the same little boy afterward.

But as his mom, hearing someone mention the possibility of autism brought up so many thoughts at once.

Have I missed something?

Are there things he's been trying to communicate that I haven't understood?

Does he experience things differently than I realized?

What does this mean for him?

And probably the biggest one:

How can I understand him better?

Because that's what I really want.

I Don't Want a Label. I Want Understanding.

We're at the point where autism testing may be something we consider.

And I don't know what the outcome of that will be.

Maybe Koa is autistic.

Maybe he isn't.

Right now, we don't have that answer.

But I'm realizing that an evaluation doesn't have to be about trying to find something "wrong" with my child.

For me, it's about learning.

If there is something about the way Koa's brain works that I don't understand yet, I want to understand it.

If certain things overwhelm him, I want to know.

If some of the things he does help him regulate himself, I want to recognize that instead of wondering why he's doing them.

If he needs me to communicate with him differently, I want to learn how.

I don't want to change my son.

I want to meet him where he is.

The Mom Guilt Still Creeps In

That's the part that's harder to admit.

When your child needs extra support, it's so easy to start questioning yourself.

You replay things.

You wonder if you should've noticed something earlier. You compare milestones even when you tell yourself not to. You see another two-year-old talking in sentences and, for just a second, your heart sinks.

Then you feel guilty for even making the comparison.

I've had to remind myself that Koa's journey doesn't need to look like anyone else's.

Developmental therapy isn't proof that I've failed him.

Speech therapy isn't proof that I've failed him.

And if we eventually pursue an autism evaluation, that won't mean I've failed him either.

These are tools that can help me learn more about the little person I'm raising.

These are tools that can help me learn more about the little person I'm raising.

And if there's support available that could make his world easier to navigate, I want him to have it.

He's More Than a Milestone Checklist

Sometimes motherhood makes it way too easy to look at our children through a checklist.

Is he saying enough words?

Is he doing what other two-year-olds are doing?

Is he meeting this milestone?

What about that one?

But when I stop looking at the checklist and just look at him, I see my Koa.

I see his personality.

I see the things that make him happy.

I see the ways he communicates without saying a word.

I see how much he's learning.

I see the progress he's already made.

And I see a little boy who deserves a mom who is willing to keep learning him, even when that means stepping into something unfamiliar.

Maybe This Is Just Another Part of Learning Him

I don't know where this journey is going yet.

That's probably the hardest part to sit with.

We're continuing developmental therapy. We're beginning this new chapter with speech therapy. And we're considering whether autism testing could give us more answers.

There may be a diagnosis somewhere down this road.

There may not be.

But I don't need that answer today to know what I'm going to do.

I'm going to keep showing up.

I'm going to ask questions.

I'm going to listen to his therapists.

I'm going to celebrate every tiny piece of progress.

And most importantly, I'm going to keep learning my son.

Because whether Koa eventually receives an autism diagnosis or not, none of this changes the little boy I love.

It might just help me understand his world a little better.

And if it does?

Then I want to learn everything I can.

If you're another parent somewhere in this in-between place—therapy appointments, delayed milestones, evaluations, questions, and a million thoughts running through your head—I hope you know you don't have to have all the answers today.

Sometimes loving our kids looks like admitting we don't completely understand what they need yet... and being willing to learn.